Poetry and Stories
While I was in therapy I reconnected with an old flame - writing. From a young age I have enjoyed writing. I’ve filled dozens of journals with a variety of prose and compositions. Poetry, short stories, an ongoing autobiography, a memoir of milestone moments.
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I took a collection of journals with me to treatment and reread my old entries. It was remarkable to find the self-doubt of my teens repeated in the self-loathing of my adulthood. The pages of 1984 (not George Orwell’s, although…) echoed in the journaling of 2024.
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So, in an attempt to relinquish the anxieties of four decades and put myself out there, I’ve selected some favorites to share. I hope you enjoy! Be kind if you don’t ;)
Beauty in the Breakdown
Ombré skies
of a moonless night
Sapphire descending
into a cobalt trance
Enchanting the billowy
blooms of naïveté
A pastel promenade
murmurs the symphony
of a transient revival
A bejeweled emerald oasis
perched atop
a rustic sepia refuge
The shimmering reflections
surpass the melancholy
harboring beneath the shallows
While the heart
is quietly revealed
with the surrender of the tide
I died
By night
My hairy blades
Wilting to the touch
Sprouting angry thorns
Piercing the unveiled flesh
Of any passing naïf
Coating my crimson veined shoots
Shielding me
In a protective armor
I lived
By day
My delicate fronds
Revive in the morning dew
A panoramic awakening
Charming the radiant light
Of the lustrous sun
Refreshing my jade sprigs
Renewing a harmony
Of peace and growth
Rebirth
In the quiet darkness of the cocoon,
I lay dormant, still, and alone,
wrapped in a blanket of my own making,
shielded from the world outside.
But deep within me,
a spark of light refuses to be extinguished,
a tiny ember of hope,
burning brightly in the shadows.
And then, one day,
the walls around me begin to crack,
the light filters in,
and I feel the stirrings of change.
I emerge from my chrysalis,
transformed and renewed,
a butterfly, ready to take flight,
to soar high above the pain and the fear.
I am reborn,
a creature of beauty and grace,
with wings that shimmer and shine,
no longer bound by the constraints of the past.
I am free,
to explore, to dream, to live,
to embrace the endless possibilities,
of this new and wondrous life.
The Session
The last time I saw you
The world seemed heavy
And here I find myself
Barely on steady
The second hand circles
The face of time
Yet still I don’t know how
To shift this paradigm
I’ve had enough with why
All I wanted was me
Just show me a sign
This is part of the journey
Darkness seems to echo
Memories of the past
Paralyzed with fear that
I’m going nowhere fast
Dawn serves as a reminder
Of all my yesterdays
A constant feature of
My demise and dismay
No better, no further
From sadness am I
But perhaps the point
Was simply to try
20/20
Looking in the mirror,
there I stand, staring
Wondering what it is
that everyone sees
When I smile for you,
do you see me as I do
What do I look like to you
I’m far from beautiful
Further from perfection
There’s so much I wish
I could change
But my eyes will forever
remain the same
They’re the one thing
I can appreciate
For their distinctive trait
Yet they’re the reason why
So often I’ve tried
To be someone new
Reflecting at you
Wearing a frown,
The lines are etched
On my brow knit together
With heavy thread
Yet I only wish I knew
Am I pretty to you
Can you see me as I do
I’m far from lovely
Further from shapely
There’s so much I wish
I could change
But my eyes will forever
remain the same
They’re the only part of me
That I don’t hate
For their distinctive trait
Yet they’re the reason why
So often I’ve tried
To be someone new
Reflecting at you
Rivers and streams
have flowed from my eyes
Twisting and turning
A winding trail
Reflecting in my tears
The sorrow of all my years
To you how do I appear
I’m far from elegant
Further from graceful
There’s so much I wish
I could change
But my eyes will forever
remain the same
They’re the one thing
I’d never negate
For their distinctive trait
Yet they’re the reason why
So often I’ve tried
To be someone new
Reflecting at you
Blanket Soaked in Tears
Upon a bed of sorrow lay
a blanket soaked in tears
Each droplet tells a story
of pain that spans the years
The fabric tarred with sadness
absorbing all the pain
The weight of heavy heartache
Leaves a long and lasting stain
Each tear that falls upon it
a testament to grief
The burden of unspoken words
seeking some relief
The threads are woven tightly
to hold the sorrow close
A comfort to the broken soul
in moments of morose
As the tears keep falling
the blanket starts to fray
A symbol of resilience
in the face of disarray
Yet still, it wraps around you
in warmth so pure and true
A reminder of the love that stays
when all else is askew
So let the tears keep flowing
upon this blanket's skin
For in the midst of sorrow
new hope will soon begin
And when the pain has passed
and the tears have dried away
The blanket soaked in tears
will still be there to stay.
The Shadows
In the shadows of despair and woe,
Where sorrows mushroom and grow,
There lies a lurking, darkened stain,
Where addiction thrives in the pain.
A ballad of a life consumed,
By demons of the mind, entombed,
In memories of hurt and strife,
That haunt and plague throughout this life.
It starts with just a taste, a sip,
A fleeting moment of respite,
From all the misery we must endure,
A feeble, temporary, false allure.
But soon that taste becomes a need,
An insatiable hunger that we must feed,
With all our fears and doubts and shame,
Until we are never quite the same.
We chase that high, that fleeting bliss,
That numbs the pain that we dismiss,
But deep inside, we know the truth,
That addiction steals our youth.
We try to hide it from the light,
To keep our secret out of sight,
But misgivings grow and multiply,
And soon our world is cloaked in lies.
We push away those who would care,
For fear that they might see and stare,
At what we've become, what we've turned into,
A hollow shell of what they once knew.
We tell ourselves it's under control,
That we can stop whenever we're told,
But deep inside, we know the lie,
That addiction has us, far and nigh.
We try to break free from its hold,
To find a path back to the fold,
But shadows beckon, call us back,
And we succumb to their attack.
We spiral down into the abyss,
Consumed by a darkness we can’t resist.
We struggle to find the light,
To banish the bleakness of the night.
But in the end, we must confess,
That addiction is a cruel mistress,
That thrives in the murk of our pain,
And leaves us broken, lost, and stained.
Alone in the endless sea
Tossed by waves, I yearn to be
Released from the hold of your memory
As I drown in the expanse of our history
I replay that day so vividly
I was so broken mentally
Needing a shred of empathy
I tried to explain shamelessly
How my mind had begun to atrophy
And when you arrived so quickly
I felt a sense of hope briefly
But you greeted me so thoughtlessly
And treated me so differently
It felt as if you were ready to leave
You had already decided you were done with me
And all I could do was watch helplessly
As you turned to go impetuously
It left me wondering endlessly
Had you ever truly loved me
Was my sadness beyond your sympathy
Was I nothing more than temporary
I tried to move on conscientiously
And focus my efforts on living happily
But it was just a mirage, a fantasy
And soon the cracks formed concentrically
First my job and the endless tendency
Of my boss to treat me contemptuously
Then my health and how the system needlessly
Creates aggravation and stress persistently
I struggled in the swell desperately
Trying to call out for help, a plea
But it came out so breathlessly
A meek whisper, and no one could hear me
Adrift alone in the endless sea
Lost in a world of uncertainty,
Waves crashing, winds howling relentlessly,
Searching for a sign of serenity
As my daughter became melancholy
Cutting herself needlessly
While my friends withdrew steadily
And I simply retreated silently
Until at last I decided finally
To end my life “accidentally”
And free her from all my misery
So that she could live life happily
Without my burdens weighing heavily
On an innocent child unintentionally
But help arrived clandestinely
And a new door was opened existentially
I am now rewriting my story
And shedding the skin of who I used to be
Embracing the person before me
And loving her unconditionally
And although I’ve started anew mindfully
I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be
Able to reach the shore and finally
Release the hold of your memory.
I'm F.I.N.E.
When I said I’m fine
I really meant, please help me.
When I said I’m just tired
I meant I’m hanging on by a thread.
When I said I’m okay
I meant I can’t take this anymore.
When I said Don’t worry
I meant show me you care, please.
When I said I’ve been better
I meant I have never been this bad.
When I said It’s nothing
I meant I’m completely broken.
When I said I’m trying
I meant I haven’t stopped crying.
When I said How about you?
I meant I’m so lonely.
A dish best served cold
Why must you be such a nasty prick?
With your sharp words and your cruel tricks
Leaving nothing but misery in your wake
Is it some kind of sick pleasure you take?
You wield your tongue like a razor blade
Your cruelty spreads like poison sprayed
What joy do you find in causing such hurt?
Is it your goal to make me feel like dirt?
Your words sting like a thousand bees
Leaving scars that no one else can see
You tear me down to make yourself feel tall
But deep down, you must feel really small
You revel in my pain
Taking pleasure in my tears
You feed off my misery
And thrive on my fears
But I refuse to ever let you win
Or let you break me down again
I’ll wear your scars with pride and grace
And watch as they fade without a trace
Laughing as I soar to epic heights
Knowing all the secrets I intend to write
Reveling as karma fittingly inflicts
Retribution on you, you feeble trifling…
I'll always keep your memory
I wonder if you think of me,
If you miss what we used to be
I thought we were so happy
Perhaps it was all just a fantasy
I’m nothing but a distant memory
Someone new was meant to be
And you’ve moved on so easily
Living your best life without me
But it’s a bitter sweet pill to swallow, you see
I can’t help but wish it was still you and me
Still I hope you’re happy wherever you may be
And I’ll always keep your memory
Because you deserved the best of me
I can see that now with clarity
And I would give anything to make you see
That I will love you for all eternity
I’ve always been my own worst enemy
Ruining any kind of serenity
Stuck in my head especially
Whenever anyone shows love to me
So I guess it’s back to therapy
To deal with the demons and remedy
All the baggage I carry warily
So I can begin again mentally
But it’s a bitter sweet pill to swallow, you see
I can’t help but wish it was still you and me
Still I hope you’re happy wherever you may be
And I’ll always keep your memory
Because you deserved the best of me
I can see that now with clarity
And I would give anything to make you see
That I will love you for all eternity
I know this can’t be all I’m meant to be
That there’s so much more to my legacy
And come what may I can steadily
Rebuild anew should ever he
Come back into my trajectory
For friendship or whether we
Pursue our love with familiarity
I will finally be able to give all of me
Because you deserved the best of me
I can see that now with clarity
And I would give anything to make you see
That I will love you for all eternity
I know you deserved the best of me
I can see that now with clarity
And I would give anything to make you see
That I will love you for all eternity
My Sweet Girl
Please forgive me, my sweet girl
For all the times I failed to see
The little things that mattered most
In your world of innocent glee
Parenting is a difficult voyage
With no roadmap to lead the way
Just trial and error, highs and lows
As we navigate each passing day
I've stumbled and I have faltered
Infecting you with my melancholy
Repeating the traumas of my childhood
From my own parents’ reckless folly
I tried my best to shield you
From the darkness within me
But it seeped through, leaving marks
That only you and I can see
I know now the impact
Of my actions on your heart
The way you shelter yourself
Behind an invisible guard
I recognize the pain in your eyes
From the hurt that I was causing
All the tantrums and the tears
When you were just barely coping
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I shouted when I should have listened
I pushed when I should have held
I retreated into my sadness
And lingered there to dwell
I know I can't undo the past
Or erase the scars that remain
But I promise to continue to try
To mend the wounds and ease your pain
You are my sunshine, my reason to smile
The light in my darkest of days
Please forgive me, beautiful girl
As I work to mend my broken ways
I vow to do better
To learn from my mistakes
To be the mother you deserve
With every breath I take
I am not perfect, I'll never claim to be
But I'll always be by your side
And no matter what may come, my love
I promise I will always provide
A place where you feel secure and loved
A safe harbor for all of life’s uncertainty
For you deserve nothing less, sweet girl
From now - until eternity
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Contact
I am always looking for new content ideas
Drop me a message with your suggestion
I’ll do my best to create a post